THE JOKER NEWS: PARIS — In a stunning display of fiscal responsibility, France has decided that if you can’t beat the debt, you might as well join it. The government has collapsed—again—this time after a heated debate over which national holiday to cancel to save a few euros.
The French economy, now primarily powered by vintage wine and sheer arrogance, is reportedly performing so poorly that its growth rate has been officially reclassified as “artisanal” and “slow-fermenting.” Meanwhile, the national debt has ballooned to a cool 3.3 trillion euros, a number so incomprehensibly large economists have begun referring to it as “le oops.”
Former Prime Minister Bayrou was last seen nervously suggesting the French could save money by “eating fewer croissants.” He was promptly booed out of the National Assembly—though not before securing a generous lifetime pension for his efforts.
The European Union is reportedly “concerned,” which in Brussels-speak means they’ve already started printing “We ♥ French Debt” bumper stickers. The ECB is said to be preparing a special financial aid package consisting of one strongly worded letter and a coupon for 10% off Greek bonds.
Analysts predict France is now just months away from achieving what economists call “Greece 2.0: Liberté, Egalité, Bankruptcy.” When asked for comment, German Chancellor Merz simply sighed and began furiously inventing a new type of sausage funded by debt.
The only thing rising faster than French borrowing costs? The number of ex-ministers writing memoirs blaming everyone else.
C’est la vie. C’est la crise. C’est la catastrophe.
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