Audio Comedy – HHH (33) – The Picnic & Gourmet – Patricia Hayes – Wilfred Babbage – Warren Mitchell
The Picnic
Hancock’s Half Hour Series 6 Episode 4 of 14
Bill, Sid and The Lad Himself eat al fresco to impress their dates from the local Palais.
Ray Galton and Alan Simpson’s classic comedy about the life and times of Anthony Aloysius St John Hancock.
Starring Tony Hancock.
With:
Sidney James
Bill Kerr
Patricia Hayes
Ann Lancaster
Elizabeth Fraser
Wilfred Babbage
Theme and incidental music composed and conducted by Wally Stott.
Producer: Tom Ronald
First broadcast on the BBC Light Programme in October 1959.
The Gourmet
Hancock’s Half Hour Series 6 Episode 5 of 14
The Lad thinks he’s a connoisseur of food, so Sid enters him in an eating competition.
Starring Tony Hancock.
With Sidney James, Bill Kerr, Warren Mitchell and Hugh Morton.
Special guest star: BBC sports commentator, Ray Glendenning.
Written by Ray Galton and Alan Simpson.
Theme and incidental music written by Wally Stott.
Producer: Tom Ronald
First broadcast on the BBC Light Programme in October 1959.
We present Tony hanock Sydney James and Bill Kerr in hanock [Applause] [Applause] Al Oh What a Beautiful Morning Oh What a Beautiful Day I’ve got a beautiful feeling everything’s going my way ah dear dear it’s good to be alive 6:00 in the morning and all is well ah smell that air I’m not used to it yet it must be
Good though just do the old exercises touch the toes up down up down down the sides of the leg now up over over down up over down up over down get the hand down by the car for the leg up over down now chest expansion shoulders back
Get the blades touching at the back that’s it now arms out stretch round in out round in out round in out finish up with some press-ups up down up down three down four down it’s hot on this oh well I think I’ll get out of bed
Now oh my word that Lineo isn’t half gold dear oh dear I’d have to get that carpet mended it’s ridiculous holes that size well I better get those other two lazy so and so out of bed Bill come on 6:00 rise and shine come on get out of bed now come on come
On get up look at him not a mov what a terrible sight to come across first thing in the morning how can anybody sleep like that two feet in an Earle poking up wake up completely oblivious I wish I go sleep like that it’s the only man I’ve
Ever met where rigor mortis sits in the minute he closes his eyes I know what I’ll do I’ll run R the newspaper up into a funnel I place the pointed end in his ear Now where’s the water Jun well take to the boats I’m drowning his other ears
Wet it’s gone straight through no no no must have gone around the back why did you have to go and do a thing like that for well get up your lazy o I’ve been calling you for 5 minutes now come on get out of bed it’s picnic day I want to
Get an early start before the roads get crowded oh I don’t want to go on a picnic you go I’ll go back to sleep you will not now come on get up there’s a lot to be done what’s the matter with you I’m tired well you should go to bed
Early like Sid and I did you wouldn’t let me you made me stay up all night cutting sandwiches all night how many did you cut oh let’s see about 140 140 this is a picnic not a safari who’s going to eat 40 Jam sandwiches I suppose they’re Plum yeah yes I thought
So I hate Plum I always have done I’ve always hated Plum we’ve got 140 of them 140 plum jam sandwiches fine picnic this is going to be what can you do with 140 plum jam sandwiches I will we’ll just have to call in at the Railway Station buffet see if they got any
Swaps another girl behind the CER you’ll be all right for some meatloaf and a few slabs of that plastic cheese oh come on don’t sit there swinging your pajama cord get up but I didn’t get to bed till 5:00 now get up and go down and wash the lettuces and
Get the grit out of them do eight gritty lettuce and go W sit up plum 140 of them Plum mad is Sid Sid oh it’s hopeless I know wake up Sid boy we break it up I’m ready got the Rope hey oh it’s you oh I wish you wouldn’t play a bat like
That what’s the time 10 6 come on we want to be out by half 7 oh of course a picnic what’s the weather like marvelous not a cloud in the sky get the old sunroof open in the car it’ll be glorious it’s always open trying to keep the thing on that’s
A trouble whiz Bill he’s in the kitchen washing the lce did you know what he’s done well he’s cut 140 plum jam sandwiches oh go BL I’m not going it doesn’t matter we can swap them at the railway station they not much better soon as she takes a
Glass Dome off those things they start crumbling oh well never mind what are you going to wear oh I don’t know sweater cycling shorts my Italian sandals I reckon shorts eh you’re going to flashh the legs eh do you think that’s wise well why not we got the
Three birds coming haven’t we that’s what I mean we don’t want to put them on their guard straight away do we well I haven’t got anything else yes you have you’ve got a big wardrobe in there what about that pair of policeman’s trousers you had died always
Like to in those yes I’ll take the toothbrush around your white pmols while you get washed eh all right then do you reckon those girls will turn up of course they will CL you only met them last night look how Keen they were it’s
Their best night I’ve had at the P for a long time that was O it wasn’t half crowded on the Dance Floor was it yes it’s very comfortable how old do you reckon they are well it’s difficult to tell really it was a bit dark wasn’t it they only
Had the crystal ball going around in they I should reckon they were anything between what 17 and 45 I like Ethel did you I’m surprised I rather preferred your one what was her name a Mye yes sir very smartly done up you know oh yes that blue hair it’s very
Fashionable all the ladies in the West End have it it costs money to have hair that color yeah well they run good money these girls at the tan in Factory so you you prefer the money h certainly certainly all right then we’ll have a change around you take Amman I’ll
Take apple what about Billy hasn’t seen him yet he doesn’t know anything about it he left before we picked him up remember oh yes well the girls are bringing along one of their mates for him did we see her yeah she was slumped across the bar
Remember oh I know the little one who was sponging the Stout of her dress that’s you the one with the ears yeah now very unfortunate still old Bill’s nothing to write home about is he it’s a Pity though she’s going to spoil it I hope they wear those stockings again with the
Black diamonds up the legs they’re marvelous yes I think we can look forward to a very enjoyable day Tom yes I finished washing the lettuce what shall I do now turn the tap off yeah take it out the sink yeah and put it in the spin
Dryer give it about 3 minutes same as you do when you scramble the eggs right oh by the way uh tear a bit of newspaper off wrap some salt in it and put it in your pocket oh and take the shells off the eggs right better go down
And give him my hand or we never get out shouldn’t take long I met the potato salad last night I boiled them and wrapped them in a bit of lettuce is that right sounds on can I body you tum it’s all gone I used it last night when we mened the
Puncture on the car the MK still be some on the garage for if you’d like to get a brush and pan out thank you don’t want any bits of nails and sawdust on me stubble oh good morning Sid plum jam sandwiches how you getting on nearly finished oh for crying out loud now
What’s the matter when I said take the shells off the eggs I meant the ones we boiled look at all that mess on the floor well I didn’t know which ones were which they all look the same what shall I do now nothing go out and sit in the
Car and don’t play with the steering wheel you better hurry up we got to pick the girls up soon girls what girls you didn’t tell me there were girls coming a that’s liven you up a bit isn’t it oh what are they like well ours are all
Right well yours isn’t bad really if you like ugly women ah it’s not fair I always get the ugly ones you’re lucky to get one at all and since when do you start being fussy I prefer to choose my own girls thank you now don’t you be
Unpleasant to her if she gets annoyed at you she’ll tell the others and then we’ve all had it got too much money invested in this to take any chances and the time the day is out what with the petrol this little ja is going to set me back the best part of 30
Bob so good job that car does 65 to the gallon well I’m ready how do I look very nice I’m not sure about the Royal artillery tie what’s the matter with it just happened to prefer braces to keep the trousers up apart from that I think you’ll be a knockout right then
Tactics when we get to the Bluebell Woods after we’ve had the grub we’ve got to try and separate them right right right right now they probably won’t be keen on this at first girls never like separating so we have to use our loads I’ve always found the best gambut is to play
Hideand-seek Oh do me all right wait a minute the object of my game is all hide and no seek if all goes according to plan at 10:00 I’ll blow the Hooter of the car and you all make your way back right right right dead clever right gentlemen synchronize your watches and here’s a
Compass each we’re meeting the enemy outside the town at 8:00 oh by the way Bill yeah just for safety’s sake in case we don’t want to see him anymore after this I’m Ary Sid is Herbert and you are Clarence right gentlemen let batttle [Applause] commence she’s running well today isn’t
She yeah well she’s moving at something I suppose what’s that mud guard fell off back or front both of them with the running board shall we stop and pick it up no no we can’t we’re late besides we never use it we can’t get out that side
Anyway hey look look on the steps outside the town hall there they are all three of them oh yeah yes so that’s what they look like in daylight yeah let’s turn around and go home can’t we can’t theyve seen us they’ be all right once we’ve had a few drinks
Inside which one’s mine the ugly one they’re all ugly well yours is the ugliest now shut up I want to go home you stay where you are they’re probably very nice girls they’d need to be with places like that don’t be so rude try and behave like a gentleman for once and
Pull into the curb hello there it’s so glad to see you lovely day for the pickers H you’re L yes well we were unavoidably today my stock broker is on the fair about my takeover bid for reals Royce well shall we get under way what’s this then what’s what this heap of old
Rubbish the car I’m not getting in that thing you said last night you had a new one well it was once yes but blindly there’s only half of it there look dear this is a very expensive vintage car gents like us always drive cars like this if you want
A flashh American one you better go somewhere else what do you reckon hermani well it’s a bit like to make other arrangements Now isn’t it yeah I think we’re back to Loser here are you coming or not we’ll ask our friend what you think Delores I I don’t fancy it
Myself well I’m not coming if the lores don’t well I’m not coming on my own it’s a good start isn’t it well that’s it then we’re not coming you’ve got to come Stone me we’ve got 140 Plum gam [Laughter] sandwiches stack in the boot what’s the
Matter with you well there’s no need to adopt that tone of voice oh of course I beg your and I forgot me breed him for a moment just that you promised to come last night and well we’ve lashed out a fair amount of loot to entertain you
Good ladies oh well we don’t like to let people down what do you think Herm well it is a nice day and we haven’t got much else to do have we no what about you Delores I don’t mind if you two want to go I’ll come along for the ride oh well
It’s all settled in come on jump in yeah before we go no funny business I don’t know what you mean I don’t think I want to go now and we want to be home by 9:00 and of course you will be have no fear on that score dear ladies I give you my
Word as An Officer and a Gentleman now jump in it’ll be a lovely day out in the country I’m sure you’ll enjoy yourselves by the way introductions you know are Mary this is Herbert here hello and this is our friend you haven’t had the pleasure of meeting yet kence hello
Everybody this is ammane and eth I don’t believe any of us had the pleasure of meeting the other young lady Dolores is it not that’s right Dolores Claren Charmed I’m sure likewise h dorish Hello Herbert oh now now the ice has been broken and all the formalities have been
Taken care of we all know each other all nice and friendly so to speak I suggest we all set off into the country and commune with Mother Nature what do you mean nothing dear St me this one’s is going to be hard not to cck all AB then where are we all going
To sit well now Bill uh Clarence is driving I suggest dolore sits next to him and Herbert next to her and me am man and Ethel in the back youve done all right for yourself haven’t you it’s my car hey what do you reckon well not so B
After all aren’t they I mean we’ve known worse yeah I reckon if we play our cards right quite quite quite what are you two whispering about we’re discussing the route Clarence Clarence oh yeah that’s me yes yes I think we’ll head for cbum and get on the A3 okay let her rip do
You like going fast girls oh yes yes Luck Oh how much further don’t they keep on don’t think they’ve stopped moaning once since we’ve left not far my little pigeon my goodness look at that Countryside stretched out before us seen it you haven’t seen that bit oh it isn’t enough cracked at the back here can’t he
Move the seat forward no he can’t why can’t he because his feet will be in the fan belt if he does I’m hungry oh she’s off now we’re nearly there we’ll get the food out in a minute we’ve been driving for hours it only seems a long time well we passed
Lots of Open Country why can’t we stop there because we’re not looking for open count oh look look what two big wooden men carrying a ladder across a field little things pleasee little minds and bigger fools look on there now now Herbert don’t let degenerate keep above
It all I wonder what Frank and Joe are doing well that’s a nerve isn’t it you’re right with us never mind about Frank and Joe the girls are today honestly do you mind here throw your dog ends out the window don’t tread them out in the carpet do you call this a carpet
My dog sleeps on better stuff than this you don’t like me do you or my car not particular L I see well as long as I know where I stand if you fancy my friend we never change around I don’t fancy any of you much quite frankly I’m at a loss to
Understand why you came at all well if you must know Mr clever dick it was to teach Frank and Joe a lesson they’ gone to South End on the boat and we’re not going to let them think they’re indispensable we’re using You Hell there’s nothing like being honest is
There when I think of all the bread this Lots cost us you’re very ungrateful Madam oh stop quarreling you two we’re here now so we may as well make the best of it here here good girl let El SP who said you could put your arm around my shoulder oh
Damn it we’re just resting on the top of the seats C stop the car the next station I’m going I’m getting out there no no Herbert if you go home that’s no good we might as well all go home that’s an idea no no no look let’s start again
It’s the drive our nerves are getting frayed we’ve been in the car too long we’re nearly there let’s all be friends come on little fingers that’s better ah Here We Are CL let turn right here that’s it just Round the Corner a running stream a Mill Pond leafy willow
Trees lush green grass secluded Glens clusters of blue bells in the thicket of the Woodland a paradise cut off from the rest of the Milling throng I don’t like the sound of it you haven’t seen it yet set up for 3 hours with a survey map choosing this
Spot and sort of seen Exiles weep over this is here you Clarence pull in over there shall I leave the car on the road no take it right through under the trees in the field we don’t want anybody to know we’re here why where do you usually go for picnics wimbley
Stadium right this will do stop here that’s it right let’s play ID and see not yet hang on a minute we haven’t had the plum sandwiches yet oh what a lovely view dead tranquil this is look at that scenery doesn’t it make one feel at peace yeah where’s the
Boozer there isn’t a boozer I Del chose a place completely devoid of boozers where are we going to get a drink in the Stream the crystal clear stream oh don’t you start your as bad as they are we passed enough boozers on our way down
I’d have got tanked up then if I’d known what about the birds they’re not going to forget Frank and Joe and two glasses of crystal clear stream water I know that which is why I called in at my mother’s yesterday afternoon why I sced a couple of bottles of her potato
Wine scalp razor that stuff is just leave everything to me what are you two whispering about now just discussing the most convenient place to lay the table crop on the ground of course why didn’t I think of that all right ladies be seated we have the feast
Laid out before you in no time at [Applause] All have another Jam sandwich no thanks you’ve only had one we’ve got another 120 in the car I don’t want anymore I thought we’d have chicken and salmon and things like that chicken and three and six a wing you must be mad go on get the plum gam down
Here people in Europe would be glad of that more lettuce anyone no thanks hardboiled eggs no thanks potato salad no thanks everybody finished yes well what about a game of hide and seek not yet after the wine what’s this hard and seek he keeps talking about nothing nothing nothing have some wine
Here you are hold out your tin mug there there look at that beautiful Amber liquid fench that is you know comes from the best Vineyards in Cal that does oh I wouldn’t know I like Scotch myself no we haven’t got any this is better than Scotch don’t really get
The benefit of the bouquet till You’ had about three mug fulls drain that one go on down that to spend any more well come on INF now short Mees by all means hey wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute go is you what about my
Bird he y pull a Coke out with your teeth aren’t you men drinking no is but a small sacrifice for such a Charming company o blind me get him see right Charmers we’ve got here I’ll stick to Bohemians in future they’re much more understanding half a
Page of ber and Russell and they have putty in me hands but come on girls drink up it’s all gone what do we do now then well uh let me think now what could we do well the amusing for you I see I’ve just thought of something do you know how to play
Hide and seek yes but we’re not splitting up that’s it then fold the tablecloth up all back in the car I’ll go but we’ve only just got here it’s only 2:00 well I’ve had enough never spent such a miserable day in my life what’s the matter with you girls you
Were quite Keen in the P last night you’re a bit taty aren’t you I’m sensitive Madam you can’t ride rough shot over people like me 500 years of breeding who gone into me like a sensitive racehorse a violin stream yeah you’ve upset him now look at these nostrils flaring just because just
Because we said we didn’t want to play ir and see yes well that’s kids stuff I’d rather go into the woods and pick blue bells Pard pick blue bells yes I love blue bells brought the old front room up of town oh they do they do I never thought of the
Blue bells is much too corny mom asked me to bring her a bunch back anyway and we wouldn’t like to disappoint your dear white-headed old mother what a lovely girl you are I take back any uncharitable comments I may have Made In the Heat of the Moment I’ve never had
The pleasure of such delightful and Charming company in the all of mine natural well then to the blue bells how should we do it spread out a bit I reckon what 10 acres to each couple oh no we don’t want to separate you don’t no well you see the only jumble is the
Blue bells over already scarce around here we stand a much better chance of finding him if we spread out a bit oh definitely he knows what he’s talking about a great Blue Bell man is her butt International Authority on blue bells aren’t you Herbert boy certainly yes
Whatever else he may be he knows his blue bells well I don’t know look I’ll tell you what we’ll do we’ll all spread out in pairs and when one pair finds any they yell out and we all come running right J see you at 10:00 what a mean why do we
Have to go in peirs protection my dear we couldn’t let you wander through the woods on your own it’s dangerous notorious Bandit country this part of su come on my dear the blue bells are waiting don’t forget Lads listen for the 10:00 Hooter oh you you lovely creature you primitive product of nature sitting there with your bare feet stuck in a rabbit hole oh if only I Were A Painter I would immortalize this moment for the whole world what about the blue bells never mind about the blue bells this moment Is
Ours from the moment I saw you last night at the palet I thought of nothing else but you how my heart cried out for you in the spot War how desperately unlucky you were not to be the first one up to the band stand with the gentleman’s left
Boot and then I didn’t sleep a wink last night thinking of today when I’d see you again don’t torture me anymore look at me look into me eyes what can you see see myself in them two little black beats just one kiss one fleeting kiss just one intoxicating Touch of your lips
And I will be your slave forever oh My Little woodpigeon My Aphrodite I wonder ever to get n better than I am I hope pay attention look at me can’t you feel the magnetism that draws Us in escapable together a voice within you that cries out to be heard the voice of
Woman would say now now now yes a kind yes yes at last on the home stretch oh a miny a miny it is a m isn’t it yes yes good luck oh ay ay there’s so much unhappiness in the world so many rules conventions so many people to tell
Us what to do and what not to do what fools we are to listen we are free rules have no meaning for us you’re right you are right of course I’m right oh am man over here boys really really really people p attention right everybody will Camp here wait yes push off
I big your pardon I didn’t see you down there your spits taken push off I’m sorry old man we Scouts have rented this area from the farmer for our jamere unload the C boys get the tents out jenkinson blower start foraging for wood oh this is ridiculous what chance
Have you got come on you get your shoes on aren’t you going to help me out you got legs haven’t you come on get your foot out that rabbit hole haven’t got all day we did have a minute ago well we haven’t now I’m fed up we’re going home
You think I’m going to sit here kissing you you with half a dozen spotty face Cubs poking their headed through the bushes you’ve got another thing coming come on stop dragging behind pick your feet up oh Prince Charmy no what a fiasco go on get in the car I’ll call the
Others here they come flying the way through the undergrowth what’s the matter with you it’s not 10:00 yet we’ve only been gone 5 minutes B and Pal’s mobs arrived hundreds of them no Blum I was just getting up to the bit about what fools we are to listen cuz rules have no
Meaning for us so was I don’t they make you sick oh come on let’s get off home there’s not much point in hanging around here come on all in the car and if one of you women so much as opens your mouth on the way back out you’re not in a very
Good mood are you no I am not and let it be a warning come on Clarence what are you waiting for we’ve got a puncture no that’s all I need where’s the spare wheel in sham High Street was on the running board that fell off oh well we’re not stopping here with
You l we’re going to walk to the station and get the train well good luck to you we’ll see who gets home first we’ll have this minute and as we roar past you don’t expect us to stop and pick you up huh hurry up and in the punct bille root
Old car anyway AR you oh go home you get blisters stupid women I don’t know why we bother with them I really don’t you’re better off on your own votes for women I wouldn’t give them a bone to know some of them come on hurry up with a tire we
Haven’t got a punct your outfit oh oh no how are we going to mend it Then how’s that puncture doing fine it’s done the trick the air still keeping in see you said those plum jam sandwiches came in handy after all give it another 5 miles we slap another one on good idea we’ve got another 108 left they should last as we get
Home go on CL put your foot down boy will revolutionize motoring 55 miles on a plum jam sandwich top that you can’t whack it [Applause] [Applause] Mate that was Hancock’s half hour starring Tony Hancock with Sydney James Bill Kerr Patricia Hayes Wilfred babage and LAN and Elizabeth Fraser theme and incidental music composed and conducted by W St Alan Simpson and Ray gon wrote the script and the program which was recorded was produced by Tom [Applause] Ronald you [Applause]
H We present Tony Hancock Sydney James and Bill K in hanock [Applause] [Applause] Ara would you care to order now sir by all means waiter an admirable menu you have here thank you sir we are rather proud of our Cuisine you have every right to be by George yes this is without a doubt the most comprehensive nohup list I’ve seen in
Yours thank you sir have you decided on your choice ah we mustn’t rush things like this a meal needs careful thinking about hasty decision could ruin the whole thing we mustn’t insult such a menu by ordering halfhazard what a list to choose from roast hach of Venison and
Peacock’s tongues right down to ro mops and girkins marvelous I think to commence something flippant is called for something light to make way for all the heavy stuff going down later what do you think Sydney I don’t care let’s get at it I’m starving so am I so am I all the better
A sharp appetite compliments a good meal yeah well don’t let miss about waiter 610 19 27 and a cup of tea thank you s wait a minute wait a minute you can’t order a meal like that this is sacrilege must wi up the respective dishes in relationship with each other see if they
Blend if they compliment each other judge the peon SE I’m hungry I just want to get it down me I know that but let’s at least order with discretion won’t make any difference to how hungry you are you’ll enjoy it more ordering meals is an art the preparation of food is a
Highly cultured and civilized procedure as far as I food is stuff you get down you when your trousers start slipping you Philistine if fris the cookie is you talking like that he’ll stuff his Cordon blur right down your [ __ ] tunnel you got no idea have you no sense
Of beauty as regards to food you must blend your dishes it’s essential it’s take your order one by one number six peace pudding very admirable in its own way good solid Anglo-Saxon cuisiner what have you chosen to go with it number 10 saval are our elephant and
Castle so far so good peace put in saalo who could find fault with that now we start going astray 19 and 20 97 jedy deals and chips no Sydney no no no no vegetables Where’s your green stuff this is all Heavy mate there’s no light and shade I
Don’t want no light and shade I just want to fill up and get out you must have a balanced diet you must ask yourself am I getting enough vitamin D in this meal you must put that question to yourself there’s no vitamin D in saval especially all our elephant and
Castle Why not start with a little salad with French dressing and a suf princess French dressing Su princess it’s all right for women and foreigners grub is to fill up holes that’s all you don’t e all the slty D stuff look at this one here chicken stuffed with
Oranges well are you surprised at that I bet the chicken was let me explain Sydney we gmes believe that as there are so many variations one can employ with the preparation of food it is sensus not to take advantage of it besides being delightful to eat there is
The question of nutriment a balanced diet is essential to a well-run body food creates heat heat is turned into energy and energy keeps us going yeah well when a boiler runs down you just open the door and shovel it in you don’t mess about with a pair of tongs picking
Out nice little shaped lumps of coal that look good oh you unimaginative L yeah wait have you got that then uh yes sir uh 61 1927 and a cup of tea thank you sir to hey who said that me Bill where I oh there you are behind the
Fls I forgot all about you what do you want well um uh I’ll have 7 19 33 34 41 53 56 72 and um uh let’s see uh 122 that’s sounds good William what is it I don’t know I haven’t got a mean you well how do you know you’re going to
Like it oh I’m bound to they me lucky numbers how can you order a meal like that well that’s how I fill in me football coupon it’s not the same thing what have you ordered here 719 33 34 122 yes very tasty P of fuagra and prunes roast beef with Yorkshire pudding and
Custard and to follow fish cakes and ice cream and a cup of tea you mean you’re still going through with the order well it sounds all right to me there’s nothing I don’t like in that lot well there’s nothing I don’t like but not all on one plate a you
English you’re all the same you never experiment with food oh get back behind the flowers I don’t want to see you there is just your order sir I’m not ready yet go and get theirs I’ll think about it something to drink sir a pint of bitter do you mind you don’t drink
Bitter at Shea claes allow me the wine is my department I don’t like wine you must have wine wine is the perfect companion to a meal it’s very important to choose the correct vintage now s you having peace puddings saval jelly deals and chips
I see I think we that the uh Lis George 54 possibly I would have thought the jellied eels suggested a white wine true true I feel goes so well with the saval yes that is very true have you considered a Mosel or Hawk it’s very good with his jelly deals and wouldn’t
Antagonize the saval either under normal circum ances I would have agreed with you but the mere presence of the piece pudding puts a Mosel right up the spout sure yes it is very difficult isn’t it ah I have it a compromise sir a van Ros
Of course a van Ros will it go with the chips of course it goes with the chips or then I’ll have a point of that instead I think a demi boute will do him will that be alter yes now hang on there’s a movement the other side of the
Flowers what do you want I want a drink wa let’s see pet ofan prunes roast beef Yorkshire pudding and custard fish cakes and ice cream I think you better take the flowers out the vase and drink that no I want a proper drink I want 31 what’s that let’s see 31 that’s
14 soda siphon yes bring him that thank you sir I’ll come back for your order now let’s get down to the real stuff now sit back you two and observe how the master selects his grub watch a professional gour at work now to start with You observe I select an appetizer something
Veering towards Pon and what better than a wable oysters with the red pepper and lemon juice and brown bread and butter what about the chips don’t have chips with oysters and we come to the fish dish today being a Thursday and the climate tending towards temperate I feel I should take the so
Tup per with muscles and a mushroom sauce with a glass of slightly chilled Hawk now for the entree that means come in doesn’t it no it doesn’t mean come in entree means something to open with like a crowbar like a crowbar you you can wipe that smirk off your face K wasn’t all
That funny we’ll get the benefit of my fist right through those delphiniums in a minute for the Entre I think um excuse me sir uh who is the peace pudding and saval Over Here Boy come on oh wait till Le’s put the plate down before you start
I’m hry that’s no excuse sit down and wait Stone me three Marth went as it was passing over the top of your head oh it’s marvelous oh these jelly deals are Sensational and uh here is the other gentleman’s um mess down here you little but good on
You ah this is the life oh no not chopped sauce on the prunes I I think I’ll have to have this more often these prunes are delicious what are you doing with the stones watch St oh never mind have you decided yet sir no I’m still pondering I’ve got down
To the entree I’ll call you when I’m ready don’t believe in rushing these things a good meal is always worth waiting for now let me see Entre a little underdone fet steak with champion and I think a little leaf spinach and a rich burgundy yes now the poultry are
You wearing bird as well of course I don’t know whether I should have the overripe pheasant with green peas or a whole young Al duckling oh you rotten swine fancy eating a little baby duck you ought to be ashamed of yourself and what about the little piggy that went to
Market and finished up in your sallo it’s different it’s not different that’s because yours has got a skin around it so it looks like something else You’ been seeing too many Walt Disney films I suppose you see my roast duck with a little sailor suit on and a hat
With two ribbons hanging down the back I’m falling plop in the water because he can’t swim yet and Pluto sniffing around the yard and Bambi trying to skate and Thumper with these two big teeth hanging down and and I’ll get on with me prunes any well as you’re so sensitive I
Shall forgo the HBY duckling why don’t you hurry up and Order and shut up we nearly finish D I’m not rushing my choice just so that you can get out and parade up and down outside the coffee bar looking for Birds what it takeing long enough well I finished it’s all right
Then you’ll have the pleasure of sitting back and watching me won’t you waiter yes sir I’m ready take this down very carefully yes sir one dozen witful oysters with trimmings and brown bread and butter sold to perie with Muses and mushroom salts underdone fet steak with leaf spinach and Champion roast s Capon
CED potatoes green peas and French salad fresh fruit salad with Normy cream cow and bear Bri and Cornish Wafers cafea Champagne Cognac Shield Hawk with a fish and a 55 carrot with the entree I’m very sorry sir the cook has gone home I beg your pardon it’s it’s halfast
11 sir you should have ordered sooner like the other gentleman did you’ve been here for an hour and a half sir this is ridiculous you gave me no indication I demand to see the manager is G home as well sir but I’m hungry I haven’t eaten
All day I’m very sorry sir but you must have something available only this section here sir you can have something from that oh very well a corn beef sandwich and a cup of tea yes sir but with a corn beef I would suggest just an Indian tea or perhaps a blended
Malayum 55 slush You evening Addie find a what’s caller please rid Alo Sid go blamy Edward and Fred I haven’t seen you in years when’ you get out I’m been inid I’ve gone straight on the jip now get away what are you doing I’m promoter and personal manager manager what the fight game no
No no see that bloke over there BL me you can’t miss him can you he must weigh what 25 stone 29 Stone 12 half he’s the boy our managing Arnold trubshaw who is he he’s a Southeast England eating champion oh Addie two dozen am sandwiches half a dozen meat pies and
Eight pounds of bitter send them over to Arnold right I’m FR he’s not going to eat that lot is he oh yes just a snack for he has his supper he’s in training you see what for the finals of the Great Britain all cers championships is this on the level yeah
Certainly paying proposition Sid blam me it must cost you more than you win in grub for him now we average one contest a week with cses of up to 100 nicker plus side bets and of course for the big championships the promoters supply all the grub I didn’t know this sort of
Thing was going on where have I been can anybody go in for the Great Britain allc comers oh yes long as they get their name down by the end of the month well have you got a buy in mind well as a matter of fact I
Have is he a professional no no but he likes his grab he’s he’s a gourmet yeah well I don’t want to put you off S but I don’t think he’d stand a chance against a professionals I mean Arnold he has the number one Contender for the world title
Go on yeah when he wins the Great Britain title on matching him against enry the human dpin in Chicago now he’s the world champion great eater s great eater broke the world record last week side of beef in under 4 minutes oh well I might see you
At the Championships then Sid I’d I’d like to see how your boy shapes up yeah well I don’t think he’s in Arnold’s class but you never know there’s always a giant killer isn’t [Applause] [Applause] it open your mouth what for just open your mouth I want to see how big it is what what’s all this about give me the tape measure Bill hey I said now just a minute open your mouth I refuse all these nose bill that’s better now poke G ruler in
Right up to that little wobbler thing at the back now then how much is it from there to the front Choppers 5 and 1 half in shut up what about the width four and 3/4 that’s two two and three plus that’s 150 cubic inches BL that’s marvelous
That’s a championship mouth that is half a loaf at least I reckon in there let him go what do you think you’re doing I measur in your cake old capacity and what has my cake old capacity got to do with you because I Ender you for the competition what
Competition listen boy you like your graub don’t you well you know I do food as a hobby of mine exactly so how would you like to be able to eat as much grub as you can manage for nothing I must say it sounds rather intriguing that’s it
Now that’s that’s why I’ve entered you for the Great Britain all comers eating contest well you go right out and uner me why do you seriously expect me to sit up on a platform in a public place and expose my eating habits in front of a gawking mob I still have some dignity
Left I’m not selling it for a contest of sheer unadulterated professional Piggery what you like grab what’s the matter with you there is a difference between a gourmet and a glutton I’m a gourmet mush quality before quantity enough is sufficient to the day thereof well Saturday is the day thereof so get
Cracking you can’t back out now I’ve Ed you open your mouth no look boy you’ve only got to be a glutton for one day then you can go back to be in a gourmet open your mouth no there is 1,000 nicker for the winner that’s better now you got to go
Into training there are some very stiff competition real professionals our only hope is to increase cake gold capacity and reduce chewing time I met the main challenge and his strength is his rate of chewing like a grinding machinist boy our only hope is to bypass the chewing and concentrate on the swallowing now
Then open your mouth again and let’s have a quick survey of the battlefield look sh if we can enlarge the throat that might double the rate of swallowing yes I think you’re right I I think if we get those tonsils out give us a bit more
Room shut up now what about his teeth he doesn’t eat all those does he no I reckon we could have four of them big back ones out without losing any effici do you mind I am not having any tonsils or teeth out look look look we need as
Much space as we can get if we had those MERS out we can get another couple of Rock Cakes in there I’m not having them out and that is final you’re making things very difficult don’t you realize that this contest is going to rest upon
How much you can eat in a given time you have to concentrate on five things speed of shovel chewing time swallowing rate capacity of mouth and size of appetite if we can increase all those we’re home and dry I refuse to be mutilated can’t I just go
Along for the food I don’t have to win i’ eat as much as the entrance fee and I’ll pay you back after I want you to win I got plans for you if he carry off his title there’s the international championships in Paris next year wouldn’t you like to eek for your
Country well where’s your patriotism you get your gold medal and a kiss from the French President you can turn professional and we’ll go after Henry the human Dustbin oh Charming can just see it now personal appearance of the world eating champion Anthony where does he put it
Hancock that’s it I’m not having that that’s finish that all right then what name would you like to eat under just plain Anthony hanock what about all legs no hey look I’ve got it Ton Tony the terror of the table you’re just being ridiculous now aren’t you all right look never mind
About the name we think of one later what’s more important is the TR training if you want have anything taken out we’ve got to enlarge everything round it what do you mean strengthen the jaw muscle so you can open your mouth wider I read somewhere about a snake that can
Open its mouth so wide it can swallow a whole cow horns and all gone well I bet Harry the human Dustbin can’t do that I’d be very surprised if he could well then if we can find out how the snake does it you should be halfway there
Brilliant well I’ll tell you what to do you go and find one of these snakes with a bit of luck he might be able to find room for you as well now wait a minute wait a minute he’s got a point there we could look to
Animals for a few pointers we may be able to develop your evolutionary somehow for the future what are those sort of pelicans called with a big pouch under their beaks where they store Stu I don’t know and I’m not going a PCH under me chin let’s forget about it I’m not
Really the type I can’t just eat for the sake of eating I have to be tempted they might not have anything on the table that I like now that is not the attitude my boy now come on now mouth widening exercises open wide wider wider oh come
On it’s not touching your ears yet Bill grab all of his jaw I’ll hold his shoulders back you ready now hang well that’s marvous isn’t it it’s an extra 10 cubic inches we’ll have him looking like Joey Brown in no time all right close your mouth
Hey what did he say he says he can’t oh come on stop playing about it what’s the good of an eating champion who can’t close his mouth push it out Bill oh oh dear my jaw youve ruined me muscles i’ have to wear a g around me head now to keep your mouth
Shut it’s all right you’ll be all right it’s just just using muscles you haven’t had to used before now we do that exercise 20 times a day and you’ll have a mouth like a hippopotamus I wish I hadn’t started this all right now come on more training we’re going to try the mouth
Opening and Pie chucking in at 10 Paces what’s that for well that’s recognized training is they all do that it trains you to chew quickly before the next one comes slinging pies at me won’t do any good maybe not but we’ll be able to work off a lot of eight old bill
Right ready play how’s that not out I’m going to try a googly this time Play oh oh I shouldn’t have eaten that last barrel of cheddar don’t give up now tub you’re doing marvelous than go I’m proud of you you’ve eaten your way through to the semi-finals beautiful to watch poetry and motion watching your jaws champing away there I can’t go on Sid I haven’t
Got the appetite you got to rest before the next round little jaw massage you be as good as new who am I eating against in the semi-final Harry the ganet he’s a pushover and he’s not at all happy about the wedding cake well not the top three
Tiers anyway the rumor is he can’t stand maip pan so you should be able to beat him at half speed and save your big effort for the final and they’ve laid the tables ready for the semi-final this is it boy how is your instructions take it slowly for the first few courses
Measure him up let him rush at it and then make him think you’re flagging then when he thinks he’s beating you demoralize him well how pick up that great dirty York am and say to him oh blind me not chicken legs again all right boy get your napkin on and good luck
My lords ladies and gentlemen this is a 15 course contest for the semifinal of the Great Britain allomer eating championship between at the red table Harry the Genet from hsow and seated at the Blue Table Anthony’s steam shovel Hancock from East she your referee Arthur Park
Him now you know the rules I want a good Clean Plate no crumbs left the winner is the one who gets through the most right now go back to your tables and start with your knives and forks when you e the gone seconds out Co one 12 dozen oysters but no appative
Disgusting and this is Raymond glendening speaking to you from the table side now the two contestants start straight away on their oysters Harry the ganet is at the moment ahead by five oysters to two he’s giving them tremendous punishment now Hancock he seems to be much more delicate about the
Whole thing as we’ve seen throughout the whole of the Championships he picks up the oyster Peppers it squeezes the lemon over it pops it in and it’s down what a Craftsman hello he’s calling the referee over may I have some brown bread and butter please where do you think this is
The Ritz get it down you get on with it never mind about the trimmings a barbarian and so the contest goes on Harry the ganet is well ahead on the number of oysters but Hancock is eating much more stylishly slowly but surely what a connoisseur we have here oh beautiful a
Few over armed Jabs with his Hawk and he had three in at once yes he’s much the more impressive e of the Tomb but Harry the ganet is plying away BR versus brwn this is the fighter against the boxer but of course we still have 14 courses to
Go and now the contest has slowed right up halfway through course 13 and still nothing in it this is probably the most exhausting course of all 2,000 yards of spaghetti bologi and I may say the fork twirling is slowed right up now to a mere 12 Revolutions a minute and for those of
You who are technically interested I shall now give you the rate of the fork as it enters the mouth in out one out two out three out four out you know I would say that Hancock has the faster rate at 22 Forks a minute whereas Harry
The ganet is forking at about 21 I should also say that Hancock is ah head on Distance by about 10 yards and now here come the seconds with the liquid refreshment and what’s this Hancock’s protesting he’s going to retire yes there’s no doubt about it Hancock has
Thrown in the fork what drama’s been enacted down here what’s happened he was obviously well in front had har the ganet sliding slowly under the table and now he’s retired you great lump you had the contest in your pocket what did you turn it in for do you seriously think I would
Consider drinking a white burgundy with spaghetti everybody knows it calls for a Kean at least well you ruined it now haven’t you don’t you ever do that again your next contest is the scarber IND Championship don’t bother I’m finished with food I’ve seen enough food these
Last few weeks to last me for the rest of me life I’ve ruined my digestion I can’t even face any more food the prospect of it nauseates me do you mean that I do I don’t care if another muscle never passes my lips again well this needs a bit of thinking
About Bill give me another another entry form there will you roll up roll up see the fairground sensation of the age 26 without food and still going strong only one chilling one John jilling to see the starving man underglass 26 days without a bite how
Long can he keep it up this man City’s banging on the glass what does he want open the lid what do you want food food just a crust that’s all I ask please said food oh keep going son another three days you got the world record then I’m putting you in against
Walter the living skeleton for the world station Championship we clean up no no please say just across please close the LI hry H H one shill children price don’t the let everybody see this way this [Applause] Way that was Hancock’s half hour starting Tony Hancock with with Sydney James Bill Kerr Warren Mitchell Hugh Morton and guest star Raymond Glend Denny theme and incidental music composed and conducted by Wally start Alan Simpson and Ray gon wrote the script and the program which was recorded was produced by Tom [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] ronal