Merry Christmas & The Mastercook of Summer Penworthy, by Mark John Maguire

A simple thank you to my viewers!

Hello I wanted to send a brief message to uh thank everyone who supported my short story Channel and my uh got away with murder Channel over the past year I’ve been IM immensely grateful for the um help advice support uh and generosity of everyone who supported these two twin projects of

Mine in the past year um I appreciate it a great deal thank you thank you and it’s um it’s 10 1 exactly on the morning of the 21st of December I hope to post this uh video later today along with a short story which I’ve written and been scribbling Doodles for all day

Uh it’s something of a tra tradition I’ve created over the past three years uh tradition or a rod for my own back one of the two today it’s felt like a rod for my own back but anyway I’m doing it so Merry Christmas and uh all the very best for

2024 cooking programs and fine dining seem to be all the rage that year in Britain villagers the length and breadth of the country had become obsessed with gourmet food cooking and preparing it in unexpected weird and occasionally edible ways some penworthy a village in the heart of England was no exception to

This fashion sweeping the country and its inhabitants are a competitive bunch of people who Pride themselves on their culinary skills true it is mostly of a Sten Dale pie or Sten kidney pudding variety but when a well-known fine Diner Bon viver and a claimed author of several cookery books I refer of course

To Rocka for blinkin so 5 took up Res residents in the village there was considerable excitement he dined at the local pub one Saturday afternoon and everyone was a Gog to see what the seric food critic celebrity and all round knew it all who was known for his witty put

Towns would make of Mavis hibbits lunchtime Fair it was not favorable he polished it off though wiped his mouth with an extravagant handkerchief and then with considerable diste and to the Delight of those assembled he pronounced it succinctly and with emphasis to be muck this was in mavis’s hearing and

Although his pronouncement was greeted with amusement by the multitude Mavis was not amongst their number why did you eat it then she demanded glaring at Mr blinkin s five dear lady he replied with what can only be described as snooty in Ys I always give everything a chance it’s a

Rule of mine I eat anything once even muck and this muuk will definitely only be consumed once by anyone of discernment Mavis cleared the plates with more grace than she felt Mr blinkin of f deserved inquiring shortly will you be wanting any pudding oh dear God no

Replied the elegant Mr blinkin St five with with a short nasty laugh one of your dishes is quite sufficient this was greeted by a good deal of chling and occasional hooting amongst the Watchers it may have been this episode that persuaded The Village to hold a fine dining competition of its own

Master Cook he called it it seemed a good idea while they had the benefit of the food celebrity in their midst to take some advantage of it the Village Council decided decided to hold a round of Heats open to all in the precincts of St egin’s parish and from these select

Four finalists who would then cook for the three judges naturally Mr blankin of five was asked to chair the judging panel lady Willoughby price would also sit on it and Mrs prro a large and wholesome Lady of the village wife of the chief Constable of the county would also be invited to

Judge all three had agreed with enthusiasm to do so there was little doubt of course whose pallet had chiefly to be assuaged I shall give No Quarter I assure you warned Mr F sporting a red spotted creat and navy blue blazer when the announcement of the Master Cook

Contest was made in the dog and whistle one Sunday after church service he informs them Mark me when I say I will be scoring highly for the most Innovative Cooks what if he doesn’t like it he’s very broode said one woman Mr F overheard this and said I will give

Everything a try however vile it may be and make no mistake I’ll say so if it is but I want to see what you can do surprise me it was a source of Pride to Mr five that he would eat and had in fact eaten some of the most revolting

And inedible Foods ever devised kangaroo Wellington was amongst his favorites crocodile fondue another and his carnivorous special assortment which boasted no less than three endangered species of animal in the same dish is well known to most people he reveled in the publicity such things brought him what an opinionated twerp said Bert

Hibit who was loafing against a wall his hands in his pockets watching the proceedings he was probably still smarting at the offense given by Mr F to his sister Mavis the dog and whistle esteemed cook he’ll turn his nose up at our food nonsense said Mr F who was sharp of

Hearing I’ll eat anything once it’s my motto everything except large unmentionable rodents here he glanced round at the perimeter of the room where he thought he had spotted a rat bait box hert HIIT was unimpressed he kicked idly at a cigarette butt he had just dropped on

The floor noticing in doing so that his shoelace was undone and considered momentarily whether he could be bothered to do it up or just leave it as it was his idle nature decided the matter for him all this fine dining is rubbish you don’t actually like the food informed Mr

F at last an argument developed between the men and Bert Hibbert said he was half-minded to knock the socks off Mr F by entering the competition himself and showing him local Nosh at its best but Mr F just laughed at him and Bert went off muttering to himself his idle

Shoelace whipping around his ankles annoyingly you’ve met your match Bert one local L Mr F was pleased to have triumphed so publicly over one one of the Native yolal we’ll see said Bert over his shoulder anyone else want to take me on said Mr F good humoredly mind you I’m

Taking no prisoners today heed the delighted crowd you showed Bert Hebert Mr FY some admirer called out F smiled he did didn’t he but the next day Bert let it be known in the village that he would be entering the competition and they should watch and see he was going to cook some

Of the most gou meals The Village had ever seen he said he would make this F eat his words I expect he won’t eat your grub Bert some wi opined Bert just said you wait and see Bert told people he had set about honing his cooking skills and had

Even borrowed a cookbook from the library or at least his Winsome lad bully did so for him though it is unknown whether he actually went so far as to open it when questioned about it he would only say it’s all a load of hooie most of the stuff that F cha or

Whatever his name is eats is inedible he just won’t admit it you’re an ignoramus said f when he was informed of this in the pub in Bert’s presence ber looked at him uncertainly ignoramus is that one of your poor endangered animals you eat he asked Rocka for blankin s five Gord in a

Way which was not at all flattering to Bert hibot and surveyed him with easy contempt you just all talk said Bert at a loss for something to say downed his drink and walked off round two to me I think said Mr F to the grinning bystanders even those who had no

Interest in cookery found it Pleasant to see Bert hibot bested so publicly in this way when the day of the cookery Heats competition came sure enough Bert Hiers was there for the Heats members of The Village committee were to judge the food the top team of Judges which included

Five would judge the final competition the Vicor of St uins the Reverend Simmons was in charge of proceedings and there was an excellent turnout for the occasion at the Village Hall but as it it turned out it was an event which caused some ill feeling in the village there were 17 contestants

Who proudly presented their Wares to the committee judges amongst the local favorites entered were Mrs gradic the women’s Institute Village Bakery Champion three years running Mrs Bywater the local school domestic science teacher and Mrs Simmons the Vicar’s wife whose scones and Hot Cross Buns were always regarded with much enthusiasm at Village

Events a less familiar figure and a somewhat surprising entry to most was Mr Bertrand hibbit whose skills in the art of cookery had never hitherto been tested to anyone’s knowledge an idol sort of man who kept chickens and loafed around the do and whistle the rest of

The time it was difficult to see him possessing any of the skill sets required for success in the Master Cook competition yet in this prelim minary round he boldly outrageously said some entered his name as a contestant he was in confident mood too it seemed exceedingly doubtful amusing even that

He had the tarity to suppose he had a cat in Hell’s chance of winning but his misplaced confidence simply served to enhance the villagers Amusement he wouldn’t get anywhere of course and his entry was remarked upon as being something of a comical sideshow amongst the more serious

Contestants but of the 17 entries to the competition Bert hibbit astonished all challenges indeed the entire Community by emerging as one of the four finalists selected to cook for the esteemed judges on Sunday the 23rd of August now it should be said that the matter did not go unchallenged by other

Contestants and there was much bad feeling when Bert who did not appear to know how to light the oven even produced an astonishingly presentable four course meal which was described as being of outstanding Merit but when it was learned that his eldest child the Lively and popular boy named Bully had been

Lurking in the grounds of Lady Willoughby Price’s residence earlier that evening and that her ladyship’s Chef complained that the meal he had prepared for his employer and her guests had gone missing from the kitchen well it can easily be seen how people might be tempted to jump to the wrong

Conclusion but as the Vicor pointed out some of the accusations made were unsubstantiated and quite out of keeping with the good-natured spirit of the contest and in any case there was nothing to be done about it Bert Hibbert was one of the four finalists selected for the Master Cook Summer penworthy

Contest it was inevitable perhaps perhaps that the community which had that love for Bert hibbit and his family regarding them as Petty dishonest folk should close ranks against him and they put measures in place to ensure that there could be no opportunity of any further skull duggery in the final

Itself indeed it was as the day of the competition approached noted with some satisfaction that Bert hibbit did not appear to be able to make scrambled eggs on toast without some minor catastroph y intervening including on one occasion the fire brigade turning up at his house although Bert explained hurriedly that

It was flame grilled burgers he was aiming for and this was his third attempt at them the villagers openly mocked him they drew a certain Grim satisfaction from knowing that the competition to which in their view he had diddled his way would be witness to his profound

Humiliation that FY bloke will show him said one Ah that’s for sure said another he has the measure of Bert hibbit already are you going to the final inquired the first wouldn’t miss it for the world replied His companion Bert Hibert will never show his face in the

Village again when Fey is done with him for the competition the three judges would be served with a four course meal by each of the four contestants they would discuss and individually score each of these in turn at the end of which the winner would be announced by

The Reverend Simmons the arrival of the judges was greeted with considerable excitement by the assembled crowd and a huge Banner proclaiming the midsummer penworthy Master Cook competition was draped across the entrance to the village hall for the occasion most eyes were on rockfall blinkin so five he was

The man to watch all agreed and there was an excited anticipation to learn with what withering comments he would demolish ber Hibbert’s dishes of course F was a man known for his willingness to try the most exotic combinations his Badger delight and the Garo alamode were award-winning dishes

It was often said of him there were few things he wouldn’t try in fact he boasted of it except of course any form of unmentionable large rodent that went without saying he had a lifelong horror of such creatures but it was obvious to all that Bert hibit had no means of

Exciting such a sophisticated pallet and F was already in an irritable mood because the committee had misspelled his name with a capital f on the banner rather than the dignified double lower casf which is of course the correct spelling and had been as he pointed out since his ancestors brought their

Pedigree of fine dining Acumen across the channel sometime around 1066 however he set this aside and in a brief speech to the contestants and for the reporter of the summer penworthy Chronicle F said the judges looked forward to the offerings of the contestants and would be rewarding innovation in particular and people who

Were willing to push the boundaries we don’t want to see people turning out the same old stuff he informed them too long has Britain lagged behind our Continental rivals in the sphere of foodery challenge us challenge our taste buds we want to see a new spin on Old

Dishes this short speech was received with enthusiasm and Applause by the audience gathered and packed tightly into the Village Hall Bert hibbit looked satisfied on hearing this he nodded to himself sagely throughout others whispered and snickered the Reverend Simmons beaming to see his parishioners about the Lord’s work in this spirited

Competition put the competitors under starter’s orders and the competition began course one came with high expectations it was the starter and those assembled in the hall sniffed the air in eager anticipation as the first contestant appeared from the kitchen area Mrs Jameson’s egg on toast with a

Garnish of parsley and a knob of butter was regarded as a worthy effort but perhaps not sufficiently exciting or adventurous enough to score highly in this round the same could not be said however of Bert hit’s first effort his soup consum alaf L was regarded as something rather unpleasant by the

Judges what is it demanded f with obvious distaste it’s my own dish said Bert proudly it’s got those scaros you like in it Mr F gave a little snort of derision at this I hard to imagine your scaros as you call them will be suitable for my pallet he

Said well you won’t know if you just play with it Bert retorted F ran his spoon through the gloopy somewhat slimy consistency of Bert’s starter he said the consistency was thick and he preferred something lighter as an appetizer ber hi was undeterred by this initial criticism the

Proof of the pudding is in the eating he said doggedly the three churches regarded their soup dubiously of course they were loathed to admit any squeamishness on their part over the dish and F was known to regard squeamishness as being the province of ordinary folk without Discerning educated pallets something he

Prided himself on being in the possession of Mrs Pro Aro and Lady Willoughby price pulled extraordinary faces at the smallest sips of consum halaf France lall they felt themselves unwilling to go further than this but F who considered his professional reputation to be at stake as well as

Being unwilling to allow Bert hippot to claim any public advantage over him scooped up a moderate sized spoonful of the offending consum and tasted it Mrs prro pointed out two oblong Delicacies of some Unknown Origin which she discerned in the bowl and which caused considerable excitement and some comment

Amongst the spectators but F who was not wholly attentive at the time took a further spoonful of the consum France Lon and partook of one of the oblong Delicacies which as it turned out were not Laro at all these are not Laro expostulated a redac and clearly discomforted Mr

Rockall blinking s five these are slugs he roared my mistake said Bert cooly the two women judges rowed on Bert in horror swelling out their mouths copiously with water and taking up some wine hastily making expressions of profound disgust how revolting exclaimed lady Willoughby price a lively murmur went round the room they

Were on the kitchen floor this morning snook in onto the back door Bert informed them that’ll be the rain last night did that F scowled but unwilling to yield to Bert’s Sly watchfulness maintain the stoical red-faced silence and then with great self-control pronounced the taste of the consum as

Bit and its consistency and unsatisfactorily slippery in texture that’ll be the frog sporn said Bert nodding Mrs prro looked like she would vomit frogs born said f half choking but trying to keep his composure although he looked fit to explode that’s the different spin you wanted see said Bert confidentially the

France say Lon it means baby frog see and the scar goes he reminded him smiling winningly slugs are not bloody scaros exclaimed F momentarily losing his composure the crowded Hall thrilled to the spectacle and shrank back as the offending plates held at arms length by the volunteer plate collector were

Ordered removed from the room it was a lively scene the audience was joyfully filled with horrified mutterings Bert hippot stood nonchalantly and turned turned to the audience saying by way of an aside in a loud stage whisper I think I won that one with my Lon F he certainly seemed pleased with

Himself and was presumably oblivious or at least pretended not to hear Ted Longbottom say what everyone else in the room was thinking he’s given them slugs and frogs sporn soup that’s what he’s gone and done the judge’s Spirit seemed a little less effusive as the first round came to

A close the second course began with Mrs James’s quail in egg Source it was well received it may be that after the contar of the first course and the Slugs or suspected slugs because Bert hith insisted they were similar to what he called the scaros much favored in French

Cuisine that expectations had lowered there was however a certain note of apprehension when Bert hibit and announced his next dish but F was determined to get back on top he was not going to be bested by this local ignoramus in front of all the village who had turned out to see him

Triumph towed in the hole announced Bert well when it was announced F’s humor was thoroughly restored he could not contain a GAO now as almost all British people will know toad in the hole is a somewhat plain meal consisting of sausage in battered Yorkshire pudding this is hardly the stuff of gourmet

Dining the author of the popular cookery book surprising Cuisine exclaimed scornfully there was some amusement at this amongst the Watchers too they grinned at each other Mr F was Back on Top This was what they wanted to see however they and Mr F were mistaken when

The meal was brought before him and Mr hibbit announced again towed in the hole with a slow emphasis there was a degree of surprise and dismay that on a plate of flat yosa pudding sat what appeared to be indeed was an actual toad in its favor though it was clearly deceased and

At least partially cooked but this was to put it mildly somewhat unexpected of course G diners or adventurous people they do not consider themselves to be timid in their tastes nor in their willingness to try new foods but there are limits in short the judges did not like to object to this

Adventurous dish with which they were presented by Mr hibit tow in the hole murmured F surveying the plate with Extreme Caution tow in the hole confirmed Bert hibbit agreeably I found found is on the patio dead this morning that’s when the idea came to me it must be said that a hush had

Fallen over the Village Hall at the ghastliness of the spectacle they were witnessing one or two people stuffed handkerchiefs into their mouths someone bit the sleeve of their pullover two of the judges tried a small very small mouthful of The Battered pudding as distant from the late toad as possible

But to the credit of Mr 5 he girded himself and attempted to partake of a very small sample of the toad but the expression on his face the beads of perspiration on his brow and the way in which he gagged twice then quickly reached for his glass of wine and

Quaffed it off in great gulps told its tale Bert Hibbert watching him closely did not seem at all dismayed by this the famed cooker personality and Bon VI having recovered and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand said simply that he thought the dish lacked flavors was not

Sufficiently seasoned and needed work no one dared say more although someone in the crowd Was Heard to remark I wouldn’t eat that for ,000 which received much agreement from those around them I wonder what it died of said another there was a stare of interested specul at

This I know called out bully hibbit hopefully quiet boy said his father quickly after this a certain hush had fallen over the room there was a somberness at the table at which the judges sat too a quiet Dreadful apprehension it left all wondering what hibbits main cause would be they didn’t

Have long to find out he entered with a large casserole dish and placed it on the table table before them ratu he announced with some pride and a certain gleam in his eye which was missed by no one the three judges looked at the dish apprehensively there was a long

Silence ratou you say asked F slowly yes sir confirmed Mr hibbit he looked at Bert hibbit quietly for a few moments and then his gaze returned uncertainly to the dish it looked well cooked the other two judges looked at it with the gravest suspicion ratou eh wife said half to

Himself this time still considering the dish before him his companions looked distinctly unenthusiastic all attention was on the casserole dish before them Bert began to serve up onto their plates while they watched with fixed gazes of doubtful Expressions around the room there was a great deal of whispering and a certain

Expression of looming horror someone was watching the proceedings through fingers covering both their eyes others had placed their hands over their mouths what are the the uh the ingredients in this dish inquired Mr F author of surprise your friends with your food the usual said Bert hibbit as he

Put the first plate down in front of Lady Willoughby Pryce who shrank from it visibly yes but what I mean is what exactly are the ingredients you have used in this persisted Mr five b considered tomato sauce Bas Oben onion Peppers the green and red ones not the

Yellow ones garnished with oregano bay leaf and rosemary he said said thinking it through carefully to himself oh said Mr f a certain relief betraying him I see our traditional vegetarian Ratatouille ber Hibbert’s eyes clouded over for a moment his brows lowered as he thought carefully the hall watched

Him not exactly he said at last the celebrity judge looked him sharply what do you mean he asked is this Ratatouille vegetarian mostly said Bert considering the matter carefully is there meat in there demanded Mr feight oh yes sir Bert assured him the judge who was clearly showing great interest in the

Ingredients forming Bert’s main dish and was a man of some Precision in details was quickly upon this what meat he inquired alternating his intense gaze between the Ratatouille and the chef the room was hushed to Absolute silence everyone looked at Bert he was thinking Bert thought about

It for what seemed to those listeners a long time before saying at last lamb the relaxation in the room was palpable there was a collective sigh of relief throughout the hall lamb exclaimed Mr F Well what are we waiting for tuck in the judge had a fork full of

Ratou in his mouth when Bert still thoughtful he was a slow thinker added and some meat mostly off the hind quarters of a rat I say the food was in the judge’s mouth and although I am confident in this assertion it was of such a transitory nature that it might be the

Subject of dispute by a skillful lawyer because before it got as far as Mr F’s tonsils it had been ejected with considerable force from the judge’s mouth traveling an impressive distance across the room I have no idea of what the world record is for the forceful expulsion of

Ratatouille from a person’s mouth across a room but it is entirely possible that it was exceeded on this occasion by Mr rockeford blinkin sop 5 there was such a shriek not only from Judge F author of gastronomic surprises who seemed very much surprised but his two companions at

The table also the sounds of scraping of chairs and Mr F running to the corner of the room scraping his tongue desperately with his fingers and wretching violently into a fire bucket he discovered there that it is uncertain whether or not he heard Bert’s continued explanation as as

To the rats being soured from a gin trap he had loaded in the corner of the hay bar the night before and found this morning he had got lucky whether he did or did not hear this informative additional detail regarding the source of the meat he

Sampled we cannot know nor does it seem that he was reassured by Bert’s assertion that the sustainability of the meat was viable as his barn was alive with rats what is certain is that when he had recovered to a degree and amidst much coughing spluttering and spitting constantly the language he directed at

Bert hibbit was deeply shocking I am of course unable to repeat any of this but it was accorded by all present to be quite disgraceful in the church Hall of St uins too Bert said he had never heard such language and it was lucky the Vicor was not in the room at

The time to hear it it it just goes to show he said later you can’t tell a person by how they dress or speak or because they’ve written fancy gouret books sometimes those who pretend to be the best are the worst and the other way about too who could argue with him

Certainly not the vicar who on re-entering the church Hall was utterly confounded to discover the celebrity judge conducting himself with what can only be described as the illst of Graces the police were inevitably called in after a threat of physical violence was made by the elegant Mr fight towards

Bert hibit Alfie robottom the local police Constable turned up and restored order in a short time suggesting to the esteemed food critic that he remove himself from the hall and restrain his language or he would find it necessary to take him in charge for public order offenses Colonel prough Chief Constable

Who on learning from his wife of the ghastly experience the judges had suffered took a different View and was distinctly irritated by py roboam lecture to his wife on conducting herself properly in a public place he scowled at his subordinates as he sought to comfort his wife his spirits though

Lifted somewhat when he noticed Alfie sitting at the table with a bowl of soup I’ll tell you what sir this Scargo Lance is tasty he declared the colonel laughed unpleasantly tuck in he said I think you’ll find there’s some toad in the hole going spare too there was consternation in the hall

And some debate as to what should happen to the summer penworthy Master competition the fourth dish had not been served there were some who wished it to be abandoned entirely some who wished to merely postpone it but in the end in the interests of furnace the Reverend Simmons decided with some reluctance and

Much opposition that the only thing that could be done was to present the prize of gourmet Master Cook of Summer penworthy to the only person who had completed three rounds of the meal that was Bert hibbit of course there were few people who remained in the hall to witness the

Presentation of The Gourmet cup a first prize of100 and title of Master Cook of Summer penworthy of the year to Bert hippot those who remained did not applaud his success and there was a general air of dissatisfaction hanging over the hall along with the lingering smell of Bert’s consume

Lon Bert had his photograph taken and it appeared on the front page of the summer penworthy Chronicle the following week together with an interview in which he expounded on the principles of fine dining at some length and spoke of his intention of writing a book on the subject of his favorite

Recipes people were generally put off the notion of fine dinning after this in summer penworthy it’s all very well gouret eating said one but you have to enjoy it too others agreed including Bert Hibbert all this fine dining is overrated he declared just like I said in the first

Place and who could argue with him he was after all the Master Cook of Summer penworthy