Windmill Repairmen and Granny Damage: Curse of Strahd One-Shot

We attempted to do a live stream of one of the most famous D&D modules as a dark comedy featuring Macho Man Strahd von Zarovitch, a paladin of Jawsus, and literal Kronk from The Emperor’s New Groove.

This is part one, a condensed version of our first two hours, without context.

We did this all to benefit the RESCU Foundation, an organization that works to provide health care for Festival performers, crafters, and workers, because the US health care system is… not great. If you’d like to donate, you can do so at www.rescu.org

#renaissancefestival #renaissancefaire #renfaire #renfest #jacqueszewhipper #dnd #dungeonsanddragons #curseofstrahd #charity

I think there’s a technical difficulties on the bingo card well so if you’ve got technical difficulties on your bingo card literally 1 second into the stream we already have it fault that is uh wonderful to see you’ll love to see it is the wine uh is it French wine that is what I

Would like to know what is France France isn’t real but what sort of wine are we talking about do we have a nice Cabernet it’s in our hearts yeah it’s it’s it’s a cab it’s cab I’m sorry what did you name say your name was rahin Raiden okay everyone let’s follow R

Dogin guys guys should I punch him I can hear you I would say probably not right you’re not supposed to say that in front of me boy you who’s your tailor that outfit’s awesome wouldn’t you like to know weather boy I I I I I would that’s why I asked that’s how questions

Work so we’re gonna get killed five minutes into this stream so what kind of accent is that it’s French do you know France no what is France what is France France is the most wonderful place what I’m saying is like I look at you and I

Can see that you have the RZ you’ve got the drip obviously but you also have the Riz of someone who is in charge I asked the question I asked all right so during during but how does it feel you know are you still grieving oh I I don’t do that I don’t do

This you don’t do feelings no I don’t have feelings no feeling whatever no sorry hey hey sad I want you to know you see it’s not your fault all right I [ __ ] hate you guys h no feelings forgot no feelings sorry you know like the Mist that was like

Around yeah no like if you went into that you I think we missed that point in the debriefing there’s a couple people that can let you through it and this guy this guy [ __ ] get I got you I got you strad I go for a fist bump he oh no he

Fist bumps you yeah God and now you’re CED that was ballsy I like that I like that thank you thank you it’s because I am French water you know that right yeah I don’t know what France is never heard of it I’m personally an ambassador for

Jaes hi have you heard the good word listen Chum we are all Chum in the eyes of josus and we’re gonna bring you to the circle of life it’s gonna be great see big shark eats a smaller shark that shark eats a smaller shark until it’s

Just sharks all the way down yeah have you heard of the Megalodon yeah yeah because that’s me in that chain just so you know we should go before anything else I think that sounds like a great idea let’s go I rolled zero insight into you get the [ __ ] out of

Here gtf this way what does GTFO mean this is a good feature I like this it means get to the front orifice get to front orifice that word sounds dirty have you met my best friend here cron he’s a meie oh he he seems wonderful would you

Guys would you guys like some meat pies I I would like to take a pie and give it like a nice long and try to deduce the ingredients there’s definitely some magic to it how did you get the the crust so flicky is that what the magic is for are you

You’re you’re a cook yourself you’re a baker it’s my passion magic equals L and and what is the uh the meat feeling that we have here um it’s just kind of a blend of whatever I can find really okay do you guys want to no I’m good you should have a pie though

It’s made by from land animals I’m not into that it was like more of a crab C I also have sea food ones in the back you have a c why didn’t anybody tell me this so I am suspicious of any Seafood because it must have taken days to walk

It here so oh it’s it’s frozen don’t worry we reheated it in the microwave you have microwaves what’s a microwave microwave she said this was lard oh my God just yes it is just large mostly large I put creatine in as well nice description for that oh my God I

Feel like something very important just happened and I don’t understand it don’t worry about it buddy I think you should go tell them about Jes oh I will oh yes oh I will I absolutely will my friends you need to know have you ever heard of

The ocean maybe you should try it by the fathom the chum and the holy Coast jawes be praised so did you just walk in and say that oh yes I’m talking about the largest of the ocean Gods jawes I’ve never heard of him we have a lake is it

Does that count oh it’s deeper and wider than any Lake you could ever imagine my friend yes the world is very large and uh you have to be like a shark to live in this world world you know circle of life you know just uh the best advice I

Can give is just keep swimming everyone just keep swimming there’s creatures out there that you cannot even fathom my friends and they have giant Chompy teeth n Nom don’t worry we’re all Chum in the eyes of J Chum I could go for a a glass of French

Wine if that was if that is possible that is what I would like oh yeah yeah French wine def we got that yep and you see he he goes he locks back underneath the bar pours some wine into a glass so you can’t see the bottle and puts it on

The on the table I would like to swirl it and do the sniff test and all that and I’m going to roll a perception check to see if I can tell what kind of wine it is and that is a eight this smells better than French wine oh I’m so

Excited you guys you you can you can actually tell it’s not French wine but it smells better than French wine no Italian oh no no oh no I’m GNA I’m just gonna go ahead and take a D4 of psychic damage real quick I think that’s fair I need to make

Sure I’m alert at all times because you know healing and the trying to heal people when you’re intoxicated is never a good idea especially for me I don’t know what that means it sounds kind of ominous and scary yeah here’s some water about it fritzy I’m gonna assume that

Nowhere around here are there citrus fruits at all honestly everyone here probably has scurvy we are constantly dying of scurvy yeah I would like to to roll to see how many teeth this bartender has scurvy huh okay roll roll her teeth what am I roll a D20 or D

What he’s a bit of a dick I told you we should have punched him no he told us he told us that he wasn’t a vampire yeah he did the whole like definitely not a vampire thing yeah chumpy I gave the signal you didn’t see me give the

Little what’s the vampire sign signal is it like show oh K has passed out part two you mean The Hags that are definitely Super Evil and kidnapping people from the village to turn them into pies I’m not going to call them Str Bonar I’m going to call him strad Von zaro [ __ ] free

Tile free space and now doesn’t know that he might be a bit he ate meat pies they contain villagers it’ll be fine it’ll be fine he doesn’t you know what he doesn’t need to know his poor brain not handle that information our our priest father donovich and his his son

Were protecting us with like their holy power but um no he was actually really good guy that’s pretty not cool of you to say all right five’s all around yeah hey sorry about that guys I I um I uh like the pie did something to my

Brain and I had to reboot it’s all fine it’s all fine it happens to the best of us did did I miss anything important no no stw’s just kind of a [ __ ] I thought you guys about the pies either nothing important about the pies nothing important about the pies I would have

Believed you but you guys keep saying it and now I’m concerned also like yeah I blacked out for a second because of that pie what’s in the pies man what’s in the pies the whiskey it’s a blend of meats that’s what we learned um very unique

Meats M Mr Bartender man what’s in the pies um don’t tell remember don’t I don’t I actually don’t recall stoker ster look look look away look I think we should just go talk to those hags now sir I actually got some I got some cleaning to do in the in the

Back he does the like step down thing behind the bar and then you if you look over the counter you can see him just like crawling along the floor like in let go Cog let’s go we’ve got some old ladies that you can punch probably does

Chomp you get a little excited about the lake there’s a big big lake the leges do it for him all right well you see you see a very large uh in Lake all right as no wonder people are so depressed here huh exactly no beachfront property people I

Mean Ste Ste yeah stealth feels unnecessary in this in this situation I think we just go in and we just start stabbing I don’t trust our ability to make Ste I have plus eight to stealth so maybe I should give it a shot hear me

Out we a couple of us come up as windmill repair men oh draw one or two of them out get them separated then please please do not make me try to deceive anybody no no no no Kon should be the stealthy one since Kon is the

Only one of us who actually has a chance at succeeding at stealth probably you and I Chompy will handle the talking and tell everyone that we’re the windmill repair men I’m going to I’m going to crouch and enter stealth my theme music Starts and I I’m like I’m like sneaking around the exterior of the windmill that is a that 20 right uh he crouches down and you guys don’t see him as soon as he crouches you just hear the music swear to God he was whenever you get behind a a little

Old lady you just punch her in the back of the head oh I’m gonna I’m gonna punch her so good you see the little old lady that sold you a meat pie earlier cooking away in the first floor of this what do I see while she’s making these pies I I want this

Recipe uh you make roll to see if he can find the secret ingredient with my full sneaky mode I am going to tip right up behind her and I would like to attempt to pickpocket the hag or the old lady who sold me the pie

Okay why because I have a plus five to it at some point I knock on the door no no no no no no no no he can we I don’t think he’s given you the signal yet while I’m back there I’m just literally I want to look over her shoulder

Breathing very quietly and I just want to see what’s going into this [ __ ] pie I’m only letting you get away with this for so long because you rolled in that 20 I want you to know that’s fair keep in mind I’m still humming the the theme music to

Myself he go well this is catchy song got this song stuck in my head um I I’m guessing a isn’t going to do it it is a pie you cannot comprehend what goes into pie yeah there’s stairs that go upstairs okay um I think I’m going to do a sneak attack okay um

So why why is everybody so upset no don’t pay attention was it a good idea send in by himself chy literally said punch the first old lady you see in the back of the head and and and there we go roll the hit is plus nine with my bare hands

So yeah one your hands are you doing non-lethal or lethal damage um well to me she’s just an old lady right I’m gonna go with non-lethal okay okay um so uh let’s roll for what is it no I think I know where this is going just for good measure because I’m suspicious

Of this old lady that I can’t figure out her pie and I’m a good cook damn it I’m burn in a key point to do a Flurry of Blows I have done 50 damage to the back of this old lady’s head on how many attacks on four attacks four attacks

Okay so you punched this little old lady in the back of the head and she falls face first onto the ground unconscious and then you proceed to punch her three more times in the body non Dage you have officially knocked out an old lady we hear no I’m still very quiet you guys

Are listening want a old perception all right chat you were correct okay it was an actual old lady she has CTE and cracked ribs damn it I am never gonna get that recipe uh I do want to point we just passed a thousand so everyone level up oh God yay thanks chat

Kon causes level up from old lady punch so you guys don’t hear it uh and Kon is still inside it’s been a while though are you guys starting to get suspicious at all I’m gonna knock on the door I feel well no I feel like we’re we’re just outside being like Oh man

Yeah you know I think this windmill there’s a lot of things at this windmill that feel like they need some work yeah let’s knock on the door no windmill repair windmill repair all right cron you you hear the knock at the front the wind windmill repairman um I feel

Slightly guilty about the fact that there’s an unconscious and bleeding old woman on the floor so I pick her up and I like you know gently place her in the corner so they can’t see I thought you were GNA like like and then like an old lady voice who is

It uh uh it’s it’s a windmill repair your windmill sure could use some repair I I don’t recall asking for a windmill repair my my we traveling windmill repairman we we just came by saw your windmill looks terrible M don’t just come on out and uh yeah we just show you

Around the outside of it uh so and we’ll show you the problems here oh look at that yeah that’s terrible would you agree all right just a moment I was making pies I’m not decent give me just a moment um I frantically look around for like if she has any extra clothes um

I had forgotten that they said that they were going to like be the windmill repair man um so I I run over to the unconscious and Bing old woman I take on her I put on her apron and then hello Jesus that is the ugliest hat I’ve

Ever seen oh no no chumpy it’s it’s me it’s me it’s me it’s it’s COC it’s Croc J just be I didn’t recognize you holy crap are you okay what’s happening um so um what happened to you I I you guys immediately see a big blood stain on the

Floor uh and then just like some drag marks and I I may have gotten a little carried away um but I feel great afterwards like but uh yeah the lady who sold us the pies is over there wait there’s only one hag I’m not even sure she was a hag um I

I punched her real good everyone give me perception check other than cron okay you hear movement upstairs uh and I wait hold on I asked if there was an upstairs you said it was just the one floor no I said there are stairs going to to an upper floor you said there are

Stairs going upstairs and I laughed cuz it was those were my I was going to say it was cron very important question for you how easily did she go down um like a sack of wet potatoes so like one punch she went down I I I I’m I’m gonna level

With you I kind of blacked out I kept on punching a 21 you can tell that this is just an old lady that has been punched four times and is now unconscious and on the brink of death I still feel like tie her up and gag her bring her back to

Consciousness so she doesn’t die and then let’s deal with the other hags Andrew can you roll in the D100 let’s go I swear to God if she turns into a pink frog or something potted plant potted plant so you become extremely sassy for the next hour anything you say must be

Dripping in sass so give us sassy Mora please yes who did which one of you which one of you did that lady Lady Lady you don’t lady me why you just knock me unconscious I think I have broken ribs from you excuse me EXC me I did not knock you

Unconscious oh it was you who was it no CR put your hand down why did you look over at him that and why did he raise his hand don’t worry about it all right lady no well I’m done with you what’s your deal you look guilty should should

I punch her again no she slaps you she slaps you on the [ __ ] spot when you say that Granny Dam it wait wait hold on how could she slap me I thought she was tied up she finds a way wait hold on someone got Bingo punch her

Again I I I am not punching the tied up old lady evil lady um I’m going to punch you real good and I immediately turn off non-lethal damage and I start punching okay put the switch set crunk to not stun yeah [ __ ] it I’m going to I’m going to bonus action and rage

Beforehand oh that’s good that’s super St Super Saiyan now I am Vegeta Prince of all cayen what are you doing to these children villagers peoples they’re pies they’re pie people the pie Kon you ate a person you’re a cannibal I didn’t know I didn’t you should be ashamed of yourself I I

Immediately take one D4 damage you you feel pretty good don’t you it made you feel really good it’s not the point um I take I’ll make your mom feel good yeah well you know what also made him feel good was beating up a granny so do you

Know who’s my mother and you see this hag appear out of like a theal air like to the right of You by 10 feet and she’s going to shoot you with magic Missile no she’s shooting me cuz I made the Your mom joke yes oh yeah that’s

Fair the one who is my who is the other one’s mom is 10t away from me you said yes so what I’m going to do I’m going to run up to her and I’m going to be like hey remember how I said that I would make your mom feel good I

Lied okay oh there’s a perer he also making people to Goat did she doesn’t know that she’s making people pie and then you hear from the corner I’m making I’m sorry people pies you made me people pies do enjoy it from what we noticed that makes it

Worse I think you just might be a a cannon buol it in Disguise I’m just gonna unload on this person Hing haags are people too still doing cing by the powers of jwes take that you don’t have quite all your power here you almost feel like no

Is like really far away yeah there’s no salt water like within miles of here I get it Jus screw you Mom someone’s mom with words you are correct pouty suen Jack should have been on the Bingo Square so yeah 71 is much better than 48 praise Jus praise Jus as um Chompy

Goes to raise up his mace from thin air a book appears and falls on top of the mother hag and crushes her into the ground yes that hag is dead uh chat killed it and you can see on the front called the pocket bar can I grab the book and use

It as a weapon sure I mean if it killed one hag it might as well kill more and I just you still have okay she go what the [ __ ] you Dam by the power of reading Chom reading is magical you just go to your Bas and close the book on it

I geter my nose my nose I think you broke my nose oh great and then I pow oh no oh no 19 oh yes that bad pun bad Pun It’s check it off I get inspiration get a D4 your next Ro look over here po can I is there a

Way that I can get you said you amazing here’s what I do as as I as I swing the sword I say tell your mother I said hi sing and decapitated I am going to rip your arms off and beat you to death with them oh

Is this guy okay he’s knocking out a lot of old women and ripping arms off uh no he’s knocking out hags because they’re evil chy chomy fish just gonna just wail on her yeah and that’s w h a l e ah bad pun part two she’s the middle

Child yeah oh look at that the middle child got ignored until the very end just like normal and that’s a 23 on the hit oh yeah how do you do it I feel like I just I just say that to her and she dies from Psychic damage just collapses she’s like oh

No I am famished and I go to eat one of the pies no no no no no what what’s wrong with the pies hey uh dungeon master can we eat hag I don’t want to eat hag the glasses have come off I don’t cron CR let’s let’s go save the

Villagers in the cages upstairs real quick and then like come back to this that sound good so hungry also hi morgantha sorry we we knocked you out does anyone else you come here for for one moment no no I just I just need to tell you something you punched her the

Least you could do is just go talk to her go talk to her getting so weak I don’t know if you could hear me abely not no strange danger stranger I I have some villagers I need to go save please tell me Jack throwing me under the bus

Was on the bingo card it was not I eared a two which means I got a zero you you do as soon as he says that you feel a wave of regret uh and you feel like yeah I should go help her to her her feet she she’s very injured yes

Ma’am what what what can I do for you and you help her do her feet Yes H she stands up she like stretches a little bit and then just goes smacks you across the face again what was that for for breaking my ribs the second time hey lady you can’t

Hit him don’t I I will punch you too and I’m standing far away from her yeah how did she slap me a second time while still tied up grainy magic don’t worry about it stop asking questions are we sure she’s not a hag you do find the

Uh book The toome that Str was telling you about can I try and read it uh yeah you open it up this is in a language you you can’t comprehend this up I I rolled an 85 uh you are fluent in all languages for the next it’s the next hour you try

And read this yes uh CR you open you open up the book and like the letters now make sense but they’re not organizing themselves in quite the right way for wait what if he can read it but he can’t understand it cuz he’s so dumb I mean that’s almost certainly what’s happening right

Now bringing home one of the uh hags cats wouldn’t be a problem that’s a 12 no coin orbe a 20 or maybe a 20 wo